I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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