I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
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