Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize