Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
