you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
