alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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