Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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