At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
