And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
