Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
