The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
