Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
