My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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