we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize