yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
