Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
