please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
