At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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