matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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