: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
