worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
i think i just lost a toe
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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