her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
