i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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