FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
