so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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