Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
