The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize