Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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