You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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