So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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