He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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