fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
