I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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