so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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