An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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