I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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