I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Randomize
