Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
