She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
