I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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