im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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