If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
