did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
