I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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