I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize