The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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