it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
