the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
