And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
