If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize