It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Im part way to drunk.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
