you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
