i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
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