so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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