I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
