I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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