fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
