I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
