Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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