stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
