now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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