Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
