Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Everyone says I win the strip club
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
