my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
