Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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