I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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